Subtle Inclinations Toward A Raging Wanderlust

There were times when I was younger,
when eternity seemed so far away,
and forever was no more
than simple banter tossed about like a sequined dress
at a Holiday Inn on prom night.
Children playing grown up games.
Forever is easy for one to imagine when
it will never come.
Older now, not by much, OLDER,
it seems as though I am staring eternity in its smirking face.
I have accepted it.
I will probably even be happy there. Predictable.
It's just.....
...it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, at night, lying
here next to my love, my lover, Forever. I smile softly ,the light coming from passing cars wafting through the miniblinds
casting shadows - prison stripes - across my left arm
and then on down past my chest, navel, right leg,
Right foot. I am happy here, I know this.

I DO.

Sometimes I think about my father, moving across

the country, "setting up franchises"---> PAMELA J. --->

WIFE AND KIDS--->ONWARD AND UPWARD---> Ad infinitum ---> STOP!

Impossible things racing through my skull. Trajectory UNKNOWN. Soaring now.

Wilderness guide. Photographer. Adventure racer. Jungle pilot. Anthropologist. Film-maker.

STAY AT HOME DAD.

I don't know if this ball of writhing potential energy building up inside of me will hold still forever. I want to. I am terrified that one day I will run as fast as I can...to Fort Collins Colorado.....or Bozeman....or.....

Where no one will look. No one could possibly see. And then....

I would explode. All that would remain: A smoldering pile of confetti, glitter, and party novelties proclaiming proudly "HAPPY NEW YEAR 2000".....stuck again. 20 years in the past.

These subtle inclinations toward a raging wanderlust leave me terrified...
...I wake up...

Cold sweat.
I do not fear for myself. I would be perfectly content should I end up as some smoldering pile somewhere.

This may be necessary.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM DOWN WITH ME! Perhaps. Perhaps she wouldn't mind the fall.